Inimitable Philosophies

You saw this coming

2011-09-19T12:45:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of running, I got it in the end.

I'm just a human. I'm prone to frailty and impulsiveness that bring myself to create my own sorrows. At times, when nothing else matters but the desires of my heart, I got myself into situations I never think of. I just dive into it, because it looks promising, inviting and tempting.

Revenge, it all turned against me. I chose my path and this the price I have to pay.

Love, I admit. At first, it felt good. It made me high, euphoric and it seemed like it was never going to end. I was blinded, I didn't look anywhere, I focused on you.

I dragged you down with me, helped you to see with your own eyes how life is not always what it seems. I was there for every fall, you see.

You told me how you've been, been waiting for me.

This is for you. The note you left behind was not only owned for me. It was owned for everyone, that growing disease is called need. I have it and it's not for you.

Take this, I'm pointing this straight to you. Your promises failed in my hands as I walked away from you. I'm done here and there's nothing left for you.

I don't think carrying heavy loads in our lives is an option if we want to live in contentment. So don't lie to yourself. Don't hold on to something that is no longer there. Let yourself go as I did.

Hiatus, baby. Hush.

2011-09-17T00:16:00.000-07:00

I honor those who try
to rid themselves of any lying,
who empty the self
and have only clear being there.
-Rumi

It has been months since I posted the last one. I've changed a lot, yes. My mind still works the same way as before and people can never take granted for how nice and evil I have become. I make myself clear by acting like a bipolar where frankly, I didn't really want to unleash that side of mine.

I won't elaborate further because I don't like talking about people in my life. They're there and I do cherish the moments with them. I'll post detailed ones later. For now, feast your long lost, abandoned hunger for my words or life.

Meet Tasha and Iman

My groupmates, LWA01A

The girls I'm always with : Anna Lavelle O'Hara, Diyana Tahir, Jasmine Ho and Edwina Ivy Anthonious

Of course, they're not replaceable.
I miss my classmates so much.

Being a writer, I have something to share.

I've been told that I can't succeed in my life because I played too much. I've been downgraded by so many teachers in school because I break rules and I get bad results throughout my school life. I've been told off by certain uncles/aunts because I've been regarded as a bad influence for their children and 'friends' pushed me away because I just don't belong anywhere they wanted me to be in.

Let me clear all these preposterous remarks. I have not yet succeed in my life, I haven't really accomplish anything in my life. Who are they to predict my future? I broke rules because it didn't satiate my contentment in life and I got bad results on my own will, not just because I didn't study. I'm a bad influence because the way I dress and the way I live my life is apparently is inimitable for their children. Truth to be told, I never asked them to imitate the way I dress, talk or what kind of songs I listen to. I never belong anywhere in your stereotypes and I don't want to bear upon anything you want me to be.

I wish I could meet those people and say it in their faces, how I manage to get the hell out from the feelings they caused me and those accusations and inculpations that they threw on my face.

I was hurt by these people and I forgave them for whatever they've done to me. I have no right to not to forgive.

Honestly speaking, I'm not a good person. I'm not an atrocious person either. I have certain limits and boundaries that I set for myself. You don't need me to be so definite, I know what I'm doing.

No matter how much..

2011-04-22T11:15:00.000-07:00

Throughout my entire life, I always tell people how annoying my parents can be. I never pointed out any good things about them even when my friends brag about theirs. I seldom talk about them too. My parents hurt me by their actions and words all the time, that's why I'm in denial to admit any positive things about them. I rarely tell them how I feel towards them, unlike how you see in the movies. Expressing love face to face, is definitely not my thing.

I love them, I love them to the extent I'd be willing to do just about anything. I love them to the point I don't want any harm happen to them. I'd die for them, I'd give them my life.

Mama, Abah

I'm so sorry for not living up to your expectations, for disappointing you so many times, for cursing you various times, for everything I have not done, for the tears that you spilled for me, for the silent prayers, for everything.

Blame me, blame my immature self. If you don't understand my feelings, you're not at fault. I am. There's no need to explain yourselves.

I can't write properly to describe this emotion. This heart of mine, is going to burst.

Someday, I'll open my heart and I'll do better. I'll be a better person with beautiful heart and selfless. Someday, it will be me who protect you. I'll protect your expectations of love.

For now, I can't say anything other than sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm lacking so much, I'm not perfect but I always love you. To me, you'll be here forever.

Mama, Abah, sorry I couldn't often express how much I really love you.

Taste of Serenity

2011-04-19T04:09:00.000-07:00

I want to introduce my new friend, Miezan. In this little adventure that I luckily get to experience, thanks to him. Sorry, no pictures. Got camera with no battery, choii.

Anyway, Miezan asked me out for lunch today and he drove me to this inner village which is called Kampung ....... . I really have forgotten about that, sorry. Anyway, back to the story, this friend of mine who confidently drove me there with no license, in manual car (I swear I will commit suicide if we got caught by police) and I didn't even bring my license and IC. Dang.

What I meant with inner village is that it takes almost 10 minutes just to get to the destination. I noticed that the place is sort of imitations that I have seen in few local movies. Tasik Rimba, that was it called. I guess. (I have a bad memory people) Miezan is quite something, I tell you. I felt like I was a child next to him, being curious of everything and not even once I don't stop asking. I wonder how annoyed he was.

He showed me the places and spots for paintball and I got to play with a dog and a horse, Princess. I haven't been able to see kampung side since my grandma is here. I miss everything about my hometown, the sound, the smell, the ambiance, the paddy field and nostalgic moments, the people who have gone in peace and bittersweet memories of childhood. Seeing the small river and trees and the silence around almost made me cry. That's pretty much of it. Since he's quite younger than me by few months, I felt comfortable talking to him but of course, he's more reliable.

So yeah, thanks Miezan. You don't know how much I appreciate it. Next time, I'll drive you around (=

The next King of Jungle

2011-04-18T09:47:00.000-07:00

Initially, I had planned this for 4 years in a row and I haven't been able to do it until April 14th. It's Zoo Negara volunteering program. I talked to my father couple days before, he didn't seem to like the idea of having his daughter to do volunteering program because he concerned about my vulnerability in doing this kind of work. I have a frail body to begin with so it's no wonder he reacted like that. eventually, I managed to persuade him and got him to drive me there.

He dropped me there around 8am and Anati was just right behind me. We both straight went to the office to hand out my application form.Then we went back to the back gate to wait for more volunteers. Anati wanted to do in Mammal Kingdom, MK. I was fond of the ideas because I love mammals. Not saying that I'm biased, it's just that what I felt at that particular moment. Around 8.30am, after all the volunteers from PTPL were divided into groups based on parts of the zoo such as Bird House etc etc, we both followed Kak Hidayah with another two girls from PTPL.

We started off with cleaning the porcupine site. Since the porcupines were asleep, we did the job quite calmly. It's a simple job, we just had to sweep the leaves o the ground and changed the water in the container. After that we went to deer type of animals site and cleaned there. We did the same thing as we did back at the porcupines' site. Next, we had to cut the vegetables for the animals. There's papayas, carrots and few veggies. Then the guy, the zoo keeper accompanied us to feed the porcupines. I managed to get one of the quill that the porcupine dropped. Porcupines are cute, seriously. I was surprised too.

Then we had our break. Anati bought me Nasi Lemak, it covered us our lunch. Then we continued. We had to clean hyena site which was pretty big. We had a break once again. So I planned to tour around the zoo. I went to Children something. It has small lambs, mini horses and pony I guess. Then to Reptile House. Where I got to see snakes and FROGS. I love FROGS. I think I stayed there longer than I should be. Anati met and greeted few of the zookeepers and few intern doctors who were there because it was her ninth time doing the volunteering job. I got to meet some people who did research about environment of these mammals. They're mainly from UK and Indonesia under the organization called International Animal Rescue. Too bad, we don't have it here. After the break, the next task was to carry paint from Bird House to MK. It was pretty far and the sun emanating sweltering heat. It was hellish enough but we did it.Then we help Kak Anun to feed Capy Bara and help to polish the cougars bar cage.

At last, finally, the highlight was to transferred all the mammals so we had to trap them with food as well as to feed them. We fed hyenas and binturong. Red meat, raw chickens, bread and vegetables. We fed to racoons as well. Then only to cougars and puma! Yes, I actually fed cougars and pumas. It was so thrilling and nerve wrecking. It's quite dangerous as well because all of them are hungry. After successfully caged the in the bar cages. We bid farewell to the mammals.

The zoo however, has a very poor management despite hardworking workers. The workers are not enough to actually maintain the whole facilites in the zoo. I have a few dissatisfaction regarding animals that have water as their site, basically fish, penguins and few reptiles. The water is so dark and dirt and I witnessed that only one worker to do all the job at the penguin site. The stage for perfomances is clean but the net that covered the stage is full of leaves and the net itself has few holes due to fickle weather. Apart from that, the zoo is okay in terms of clean walk passages and the animals are greatly taken care of. So that's all the few disadvantages.

Thanks to this experience I get to learn so many things about animals and their habitats just from the first time. I'm sure I will learn more if I do it more often. I guess I have to persuade my father more, right?

Thanks to Anati, who is willing to accompany me and to Kak Anun and other zookeepers who helped us.

Sorry for the absence of pictures, we we're allowed to take any pictures of animals in the zoo so it was quite pointless to bring any cameras. If you want to witness these animals up close, feel free to volunteer and let's keep the zoo clean and animals safe.

Thanks for reading! God bless you (=

From a mere civillian to "I'm a warrior!"

2011-04-18T07:13:00.000-07:00

When I was packed with my schedule of nothingness, my sister introduced me to a group on Facebook. All this started when she realized how empty my life was after SPM and told me about a man who made an eco bricks, Mathias Gelber. I was suddenly attracted by the idea of being part of environment volunteering works so I searched the group called 'Eco Warrior Malaysia'. Apparently, I crossed one event, Raja Musa Planting event. This was when all started.

I was greatly interested because it was something I had never done before and trust me, when I'm curious about something I'd become obsessed. In a good way, of course. Hence, I joined the group and planned to attend the event itself. I talked about it with my sister and asked her to tag along since it was my first time meeting strangers and do volunteering jobs. She agreed to it.

Saturday, March 26

Because of the event stated that we had to be at the meeting point at 7 in the morning, I dragged myself to prepare with my eyes closed because I stayed up late. We went to the meeting point at A&W in Petaling Jaya. Arrived there, I spotted Jade Williams, blonde beauty from UK. My sister told me to greet her, which I was slightly embarrassed to do so but in the end I gave a try and it went okay. I met with Matthias and another guy, I forgot what's his name. Sorry.

Few minutes after, there were a lot of people outside the A&W. So we went outside and Mory, a Japanese lady who was arranging the carpooling session. It was all organized and she even printed it out on a paper. Ah, this is something, that's what I thought. My sister and I approached several groups and talked to them. They were really friendly and energetic and I got intimidated because all I did was standing and smilingly watched them. We both met Kak Umi and got into her car to there.

It was a long ride, I didn't know it was that far but we managed to get there safely. As soon we arrived, I changed to my boots. Good thing I bought it because we had to walk almost 1km to get to the plantation site. Once we got there, Mathias gathered all of us to show how it's done. I mean, how to plant. There were many who participate. I felt good seeing alot of people who actually cared about doing this kind of stuff. I thought not many would come but I was wrong. We were divided into groups and I joined a different group from my sister. Because I was really shy, I don't know why, I'm not usually shy, I didn't get to talk much with them.

We had to plant more than 20 trees. The mud in our area was really watery. The soil was so soft that I fell about 4 times, my boots sank into the mud and the guys had to pull me out from it. I had to grab on trees with thorns to get myself out of the mud. I didn't even wear any gloves that moment, it should have been painful but I was so happy that happiness blinded me from any pain. I was really excited to walk around the mud and planted the trees. I was slow compared to the rest but the thought of I was the only first timer among the members of my group somehow, consoled me. Slowly by time and steps, I became more aware and successfully delivered a good job on planting all the trees with all of them.

These people I get to work with were really ecstatic and outgoing. There was a guy who just wore short and a simple sandal walked around in mud. The guys were really enjoying the soil, talking about how delicious it was. It was really a metaphor of saying how good the soil was. The girls were nice to me and taught me how to do more efficiently, that was why I became better with every tree that I planted.

We also joked around with the site filled with bugs and insects. The guys teased the girls about fees of saving us from falling and pulling us out from the mud. It was all jokes, of course. Almost 2 hours planting, we finally finished planting all the plants and got back to the hut, where all the people gathered. Back there, I helped the others with filling sand into the plastic containers. I forgot what they called it, I should have write this sooner. I met few new friends. I learned that all of them were actually college students. I was basically among the youngest there. After half an hour, I met my sister and we planned to go back. It was almost 11.30am.

Just when we walked out of the site, there was a van. The van was there to drive people back to the road, where people don't have to walk back for 1km out of the site. Of course, the van was packed. It was fun, actually because I was surrounded by really brilliant people who was profusely asking the two guys who were in the van about the plantations. They are all smart people who gave all their time to Mother Nature. I felt warm with their honest contributions. There are really many people out there who really want to save our Earth and have a great interest towards environment. After a simple thank you to the two guys, we headed back to the meeting point earlier which is at A&W.

During lunch, we spotted a few friends who were with us at the site just now and had a small talk. After lunch, I drove back home. I basically had black out after taking my bath.

There were few things that I didn't do and I regretted. I promised the next time will be better and I will talk more. I'm sure I will have more fun on the next mud spa event!

See, I'm a warrior for sure! It feels great to help Mother Earth (=

Credits : Thank you to my sister and all of the friends there. Thanks for the help and infos. Hope to see you guys again!

I ran out of everything

2011-04-18T05:05:00.001-07:00

I swear not to say a word about what I've been doing for the past couple of months as a school leaver and I bet even a sick cat knows what its doing. As pitiful the title is, sorry to say that my life has been exactly as the word is. I did ask for a several jobs which I get rejected for all of them. I have bief ideas why they did not want to hire me.

1. The workers did not pass my application form.
2. They do not want 'several months worker'.
3. They have a group of worker which they don't allow any newcomer.
4. I look too young to work.

I'm pretty positive about all the rejection because I'm picky of where I want to work. You have to, you'd want to do the job that you are most confident with, right?

So, for 5 months I sit at home, barely do chores or even read. That's why I don't update my blog for, God knows how long it is. There were few occasions where I went to OKU charity house for charity works, Eco Warrior events and Zoo Negara volunteering programs. The rest simply lifeless and unnecessary. Of course I did take driving license and drove couple of friends around and that's just it. I wish I meet more people.

I'm not going to continue this rant any further. Let's just say I have not been so inspired lately. I missed school so much and I can't wait to get into university. InsyaAllah. I'm going to write two more post about the things that I did as I promised my sister, Abby Latif. You can read it for more details.

Alas, I'm mostly on Twitter and Facebook. The links are available on the right side of this page. Enjoy.

Thank you for your time. God bless.

The thing is...

2011-02-02T03:32:00.000-08:00

I am completely out of the world at the moment. Time passes by slowly and rapidly when I think about my age. I'm envious of younger people, is this how old people would feel? Sigh. I gained weight so much that I look like a freaking buffalo! I eat all the time, stuff everything inside my stomach. I don't exercise or do stretching. I don't dance. School really takes my youth away. Yes, I'm being so freaking dramatic and I don't know why.

I feel solemn that I don't write my thoughts anymore, I just keep it inside my head, as if I'm waiting for it to go away. I'm not entirely happy. I feel screwed up but it's not that bad. I've been thinking, thinking until nothing seem to make sense to me anymore. I don't perform solat either, how can I expect myself to be at peace? I feel scared and troubled. SPM, my grandmother, future...blank.

I don't know what to say, precisely, I have nothing to say.

Now, I don't bother to use some freaking awesome vocabs, figure it out on your own.

This Tiny Piece Of Life That I Called REALITY

2011-01-11T05:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I wonder, if this really right? Am I too selfish? Am I doing the right thing? These kind of questions always ring in my head everytime I want to make a decision, when I really think hard. Most of the times, I don't bother about any of these. Yes, people are selfish just like that, there are no such thing as magnanimous people.

I don't enjoy much hanging around with friends without solid purposes. I don't 'lepak', 'shisha', drinking, sneaking out, smoking or texting everyone everyday until I run out of credits. I find it is too shallow-minded for me to do. That's not it. How should I say it? Ah, IT'S NOT SOMETHING THAT I"D ENJOY TO DO. Yeah, that's it. Anyway, I know my capabilities and my wisdom, that's why I never bother any of that. A person like me, as you might think, I would probably shut myself in my room and write suicide notes with butterflies on them and psycho myself out about having multiple personality disorder.

On the contrary, I've been spending time learning how to make cosplay costume with a big butterfly on it, learning animal pattern make up, reading about suicide news, research about psychology-related-stories-and-matters. Simply put, current interests. I'm very fickle, I tend to learn different things at the same time. Eventually, I forget everything. Yes, thanks to my short-term-memory-loss.

Something ticks me today. The fact that my parents' room has no light that they have to depend on the dim side lamp for weeks and their worn out bed sheet on the dusty bed frame. I feel bad, I feel terrible. I'm not born in a wealthy family where my needs can be fulfilled. I'm taught to get things done by my own and at the same time being spoiled without getting scolded for not doing the things that I should do. Yes, I am well aware of any of that. However, here I am sitting in front of this monitor typing to the public, shamelessly admitting. Not that I care that you know it now. Huh.

I told myself over and over again, once I get my first salary, I will buy them a nice bed sheet, even a cheap one (I don't care) I make a promise now that I will clean their room tomorrow.

I promise.

I'm Pka Lyra and I don't take back my words. That's my way of life.
(Such a Naruto fan eh? Keke ^^)

PS : I read Japanese romanization better than I read Kurikulum Pendidikan Pemandu. Choi.

Talk On Love

2010-12-31T17:39:00.001-08:00

I have several perspectives about relationships. All of them are peculiar and unacceptable by most people which I find it weird for them to feel that way.

Around friends, I don't pay attention to them when they're in their happiest moments. I feel glad for them and that's it. I don't want them to share it with me, I kind of feel that would be burdensome. Smiling sincerely from the bottom of my heart for others blissfulness certainly not the thing I can do. It's hard don't you think? I don't know how they do it in the movies etc etc (What a bunch of freaking liars)

However, I have this greed of understanding people's pain, agony whatever you call it. I cherish the depth of pain. Amazingly, I have no idea why. I thought, if I could understand this, then I can use this kind of understanding as a shield to what might will happen to me later. Then, I don't need to go sort of dramas about getting hurt, eating cans of ice creams or cutting myself. I've gone through that, and honestly it's utterly stupid. All this emo fucks about killing yourselves, get a life.

There are immeasurable kind of pain that people can still endure. No matter how hurtful it can be, how dark your life is, how deep you fall into that hole, there are always ways out. All you need is faith. It sounds cheap, yes I know. It doesn't sound so if you really have it.

As in the case of love, I'm not one of the great lovers who can offer my absolute loyalty. I find it quite suffocating to have a clingy lover and I'm quite a commitment phobic. I hurt people in order to make themselves realize their mistakes. However, once I love, there's nothing like it. I love and I care, it means that much.

Books are fallacious, so does your perspectives of life

2010-12-15T06:35:00.000-08:00

I keep on reiterating the same thing over and over again. Abhorrence holds the reins when I'm around people. They never learn. Hence, they changed into something they are not supposed to be. Well, it's not my freaking problem to put it in the first place. Instead of feeling disgusted, what I really can assume is that my sympathy has grown deeper for them. I guess it's one of my flaw that my sincere empathy for people can affect my inestimable mood regardless no matter how beatifically I can alter my boundless 'one moment in time'. For the love of God, Thank you, Whitney Houston. I can't get your song out of my head and it's obliterating my soul. It kills me. Well. not if your fans kill me first. That would save me from all these mess that invited me in.

I've been straining myself from everything lately. I try to keep it all together most of the time. Be it at home, around people or when I'm all alone. People are not strangers anymore, they're just the people who simply concluded that I've changed. From my make up, appearance and the way I talk. I don't feel conscious or reluctant around people like I used to. I hug more, I talk more and I smile more. I'm a genial host to my endearing soul now, they need not to say it, their faces give it all. In fact, I keep the 'unlovable' side of me in my head just to get ready to bitch mouth them in my head whenever I get the chance. You can't change indiscreet, stupid remarks of people. Their so-called perspectives in life are merely imbecile thrashes that I could thwart away. Invalid. Pathetic, really.

I have an aversion to my sister who keeps on pushing me around to do things. She has the every right to ask me to do things but she goes to the extreme, that hit my limit. I'm a human too, I have feelings. I hate being pushed around. I know what I deem to do. even I don't get something done in particular time, I always get it done somehow. I don't need her to take all the blame for me, she doesn't have to. She always tell me to always reflect on what I've done but I wonder if she does it. Don't tell me to grow up without letting yourself to think twice before you said any of that. I'm sorry if you read this, but I am not an infant. This is a random phrase for any teenagers like me but you know how far the truth is. I don't need any justifications too because I'm pretty sure this won't change anything between us. This thing is not something that I can circumvent either. I still love you, God knows how much.

I'm not worried about my friends, not even the slightest bit. I don't anticipate, I get it, I get how things work. I expect some of you do too. I can't always have you in my life all the time. It's best to just correspond between us. Just say hi to me once in a while or don't say anything at all. It's not a chagrin to me. You see, at some points of life, you'll encounter another strangers and next thing you know, the strangers emerge as your friends. This circle of life is admantine no matter how many times you try to turn it back around. I don't, so that's why I don't to have to misgive about anything. It's a pleasure to meet people until you can distinguish the platitudinous of people.

I love my allegiance towards my kind of music. I'm sorry but my music is for my ears only and mybe for the ones who got the gift that can differentiate the divine music. I'm not a fan of Ryan Seacrest Top 40 or daily K-Pop songs. Veraciosuly, I only listen to some. It just happened I fathom the current issues and all the thanks goes to Allkpop.com. I'm also gratified to auspicious MTV for keeping up-to-date with the regnant music videos. I basically live in my world right now and I'm going to take my driver's license soon. Hopefully. I like the idea of working first and pay everything up with my own money but since I heed the rumors that this year is going to be the last one to take driver's license before you turn 21, I opine that it'd be wise for me to promptly sign up for it.

I've been up methodize everything and foresee about every single aspects about my future. I know what I'm doing.

Absence In Abyss

2010-11-15T06:41:00.000-08:00

Hello readers, maybe I should just hello to me. I doubt people would read this.

Anyway, I've been good. Pleasantly good. It's nerve wrecking to think about SPM yeah, I'm sure any of my friends who will sit for SPM feel the same way as I do now (or worse) That doesn't concern me in any way.

I'm supposed to go school tomorrow, supposedly. My last day at school kononnya, I don't buy any of that. I don't have a strong relationship with teachers in my school because I'm not those kind of students who like to impress teachers or being impressed by teachers. I appear to be one of the dull students in that school. It's better to stay that way really. Thanks to my father who is the AJK PIBG, I am indeed well known by the teachers. Summore, I'm in charge of the school's magazine. Soon, they''ll be thankful for the masterpiece I left for the school.

Put this crap away. I'm just stating that I'm doing well. It's another 9 days to examination day. I will be online everyday but not on FB or write a post on my blog. Check my Twitter if you miss me. Of course again, I'm talking about me only. Sigh.

Bye for now. We'll meet again. I won't die, not before SPM if God's will.

Chasing Butterflies Under My Darkest Sky

2010-09-09T22:12:00.000-07:00

I've been giving in to the solemn these days. PMS especially, it's killing me. Anyway, other than that, I'm pretty healthy and fine. To be frank, you can speculate much what I did this whole weekend. Barely study, yeah. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm lazy to read those books though I know how important they are. I can't depend much on my 100% concentration in classes, eventhough I do remember all.

Why do I always get low marks or even fail? Simple, I don't do questions. I only read topics before teachers start to teach and concentrate in class. That's my problem. Wake up! Wake up! I must do questions, module papers, study the analysis and examine the answers.

You can say I'm pretty steady about this, I am, I mean I do. I don't like being panic. I'll try to keep calm and study hard, I mean smart. I always study hard, not smart. I don't think hard, but I do think smart. Haha. Okay, that's lame but that's true though.

I should stop ready the 1000 page Reader's Digest or Paolo Coelho's books or Rumi's or John Steinbeck's. I should not waste time pooping for 5 minutes and spend the rest of 1 hour in the toilet doing word puzzles and sudoku. I should not spent hours learning French and Spanish on YouTube. I should not waste time window shopping and buy more Japanese drama or anime. I should not waste my time reading allkpop.com or tokyohive.com. I should not waste my time watching Korean shows on PSP Go!Tube. I should not waste my time experimenting alternative-post-hardcore-rock-gothic kind of music for days. I should stop downloading more songs into my phone. I should stop staring at my face in the mirror for 15 minutes. I should stop gallivanting at Wikipedia to read about planets or thesaurus.com to find complicated words. I should stop roaming around my house just to find food when I'm not hungry.

I should stop this. Like NOW.

Happy Eid people. Go apologize and do some more sins. That's the way you do, after all.

Me? No thanks. I'm just going to sit on my table or in car to study.

Take care.

Craps that make you think twice

2010-08-23T06:26:00.000-07:00

I have imaginary friends, MM and LG.
I pick up rubbish whenever, wherever I see one.
I collect mint boxes and plastic bags.
I use my bag when I go to buy groceries or toiletries.
I don't eat meat, except for chicken.
I rather go hiking than go shopping.
I don't eat durian.
I sing Hallelujah song when I'm in joy.
I read Al-Qur'an's translation, Veda and Bible (Quotations form)
I like Christmas songs compare to Raya songs.
I talk to plants everyday.
I save bugs and put them on the soil ground.
I don't wear make up because most of them contain animal fats.
I cry in front of my kucing-kucing or in the toilet.
I do stretching everyday.
I fight with my mum almost everyday.
I bully my kucing-kucing everytime I see them.
I'm blank when it comes to dirty stuff. I tend to catch up those kind of things late.
I enjoy 30 Rock more than I enjoy Twilight Saga.
My favourite author is Paolo Coelho.
I love people who can write.
I love Rumi to death.
I love world history and cultures.
I used to bela chickens, sugar gliders and fish.
I love dogs especially Siberian Husky, Chow Chow and Chinese Shar-Pei.
I love K-Pop and heavy metal music.
I hate typical narrow minded people.
I absolutely adore dandelions and orchids.
I like childish things.
I'm an avid fan of anime.
I can introduce myself in Korean, Japanese, Hebrew, French, Spanish and German.

There's so much more. You still can't figure out who I really am.
Nice try though.

Dance

2010-08-19T03:13:00.000-07:00

Dance, when you're broken open.
Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood.
Dance, when you are perfectly free.

-A Year With Rumi, Coleman Barks

Obnoxious, Yeah That's It

2010-08-19T01:54:00.000-07:00

Skip practicing both French and Spanish for a month
Try to finish up all the homework
Try to read more deep, complicated literature works
Watch National Geographic everyday
Watch History channel everyday
Revise
Wash dishes and sweep floor everyday
Stay up from 0430 until 0000 everyday
Lost weight
Extreme exhaustion
Stick to PSP every night
Talk to meows
Cry in the toilet
Daydream
Sleep after get back from school
Listen to BoA's Implode and Dangerous
Less profanity in diary
PUASA, currently NOT PUASA-ing due to menses

My raging, volatile hormone is killing me! I'm really tired.
Contemplate suicide? Gosh I feel so distant from Him.
I need to pray but I can't, not now.
I hate this, give my purity back!

Step On My Pride

2010-07-23T09:23:00.000-07:00

You, yes you, the one who read this, you have no idea of what I'm going through.

Pka is happy. Pka is fine. Pka is awesome. Pka is fashionable. Pka has no worries. Pka has a lot of friends. Pka knows alot of people. Pka is clever. Pka is arrogant. Pka is power greedy. Pka has no religion. Pka is a bad girl. Pka is a shy girl. Pka can't speak Malay fluently. Pka speaks too much English.

Know what? You can go stab that filthy throat of yours. Rhetoric are certainly your lethal weapon but I have a much stronger shield.

I am always alone, so what? Does it concern you that much I indeed have no friends?

So there you are giggling thinking how pathetic I am without realising you are far more disgraceful than me.

Your friends call you, talk to you, laugh with you and cry with you. If that's what you call friends, then I have thousands of them. My definition of being friends, I mean, people whom I thought as my friends have identical insane mind just like mine. Who can finish my line and read my facial expressions. I'm not dumb, I ain't naive and I'm not that nice as I appear to be. I'm not saying I'm bad either, it's just that I have a lot of negative side of me that I unleash when I feel like crossing it.

So I'm nice to you, that doesn't mean I like you or you are my friends. I'm just a hell of a good actress and to be frank, I do deserve an Oscar. I can lie.

Be annoying. Be hateful. Be irritating. You are just an inch away from getting your ass being kicked by me. You're clever? Doesn't mean you can brag around and dishonor people. You're popular? Do I look like I give a million freaking care to what level your popularity is? Clearly, I don't. Call me stupid ignorant kid? I don't care. I rather die in dignity than to respect you like the ones who worship you.

Friendship? It's just a word to me. But I do care about people until they stop to care about me. From then on, I would just walk away and leave them alone and I leave nothing behind. I take all of my trust, faith and belief and move forward while putting on a straight face ahead.

Think you are my friends? Do think again.

Remember, I can lie. If you think you're right, it could be very wrong to me.

Wait, you are wrong and I never get it right,

Holiday For A Brainiac

2010-06-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

I don't want to end up being a stuck up ***** so I'ma tell you this

1. Whoever you are, whenever you are sitting right now, flashing your annoying grin towards the screen or your solemn face, I just want you to know that you should not mess with me.

2. Claim me as your friend? Friends? Foe? Go to hell, it has nothing to do with my life, same goes to YOU.

3. I'm snobbish? Arrogant? SO WHAT?

4. I don't approach people just to say HI, it's futile. If you want to get a HI from me, you start first or else I'll give you my last goodbye.

5. Don't go around and touching all my things or what I wear, it's freaking annoying. You want the same stuff for what? Go figure your own sense of fashion (if you have one) or just feast your eyes with your mouth shut, save your bloody PRIDE (if only you have one)

6. I just do what I want, don't question me any further.

7. I'm going away.

8. I don't have any attitude for I really respect people, I just don't respect those who are attitudinal to me.

Thank you for reading.
Those who are hurt by this post, don't worry, you deserve it.

Anyway, take care. Eat and live well [=

une de perdue, dix de retrouvées

2010-05-27T06:45:00.000-07:00

It means, one is lost, ten are found.

I don't think people realize how much matured I have become. People are blinded with my easy-going attitude that they don't realize how hard it is to swallow everything inside. There's so much to pain, in a different context, emptiness can be a form of pain too. Put aside my constant steadiness to take things calmly, I feel insecure sometimes when I'm alone. Regardless how strong I have become, I still can sense fragility inside me and it's true that by this moment, none can trigger it. YET.

Talking about God and religion, I feel filthy of myself. I literally forsake my duty as a Muslim and I think at times, I sort of being proud of it. When I'm sick or feel so troubled, then only I seek for His help. When I feel okay or fine, I don't care about anything and yet grumble during azan because I cannot sleep. I feel so horrible.

I lied a lot too. Friends are worried about me, that's why they kept on calling me but I don't want to layan them so I simply said I'm busy. I'm a such a good liar that I don't even trust myself.

My hatred for my own race may has risen before I know it. I wish they could be more open minded and hardworking. I barely see any Malay who is like that, I'm so disappointed. When my Chinese friends grumble about some of my Malay friends, I could not say anything to defend them because what they said was the truth. I don't want to downgrade a race that has become a part of me since I was born, but realizing the truth, I bet you'd feel the same way as I do. I don't take pride of being someone from a mixed heritage, I don't give a damn about it frankly. I just want people to understand each other, help each other to keep on moving forward. It's a win-win situation. But Malays, if one of them gets much, the others tend to bring the person down because of jealousy. When people are trying hard, they'll just laugh at you and keep on doing the same thing for the rest of their life. I can only be friends with some, but others, no. It's a big, stupid circle that only makes them to go backward.

I don't hate my race, I'm stating my disappointment. I want to take pride for being part Malay someday, not now, no, I'm not convinced.

As for me, I don't roll in the same circle. I hate to be part of the same, mediocre type of mankind. I don't know how to be normal and I don't wish to know.

Hi! Hey! Bye!

2010-05-06T03:00:00.000-07:00

Alot, alot alot of things happened! Shitloads of 'em!

No, not trying to be a vulgar person at all.

I can't think of what to write, really. I know I've been on and off this year. I don't know how my seniors did it back then, especially Anis Filza -___- I miss everyone, my seniors. They're great, well not so since they hardly think of me. So listen up dear current juniors, you will be forsaken by ME! Hahaha. Oh yeah, I have to tell you that my mental condition is getting worse day by day, I am now an expert of talking nonsense.

No no no, I can't act cute, I find that I'm always steady handling things. I hardly take things too seriously. Do you know that I dance almost everyday now? Not 'almost', I do dance everyday. It feels good and it's indeed a good way too release my tension. Except that I dance 2 hours everyday.

I don't read The Ecologist anymore, simply don't have the time (Yeah rightt) Nahh, it's just that I have been so outdated about current environmental issues. I might have to read it during school holiday which is next month? Yeah

Why? Why does it take so long? Oh that's because I'm having an exam. I know I've told my parents that I might failed everything in this exam cause it's a state level examination. My result will be compared with the whole students in Selangor district. Sounds fun, no? Nevertheless, I still need to study for SPM's sake.

Redaksi? It's frustrating really. Rachel nags to me EVERYDAY about it and it somehow affects me. Well, of course since I hold second most important post. I don't want to reveal the problems we have in here but yeah I do have some dissatisfaction about our crews.

Social life? Lame question, I had given up. I got some bad news recently, the cancellation of prom, classmate problem, unfinished homeworkSSSS and too many cats. I have 7 cats and the Mummy Cat is pregnant again for the SIXTH time! I guess the female of a cat should be exchanged with the female of a dog. LOL

I'm not a vulgar person okay? Not at all.

I don't think I will be posting a new post for the time being, so this is the last from me. No current pictures too. So yeah.

Listen to the song on this page. It's my favourite song (:

Enjoy and take care everyone. Till then.

UPdated!

2010-04-08T08:45:00.000-07:00

I've been really busy for these couple of weeks. Being a co-editor in chief for school magazines really takes its toll, I got carried away and barely enter any classes this week due to the non-stop photo shoot sessions. Rachel, of course worked even harder than me (well, that's because she's the editor in chief), which means, I had to tag along with her. NOTE THAT I'M HER ASS-ISTANT! Despite all the hard work, mischievous students, ignorant teachers, we did have fun. Number one prop, CAMERA, I mean the photographer's camera, YES, the RM7000 CAMERA! Hahaha, omg so kampung but heck it's not like everyday you can hold camera like that yo LAME LAME LAME LOL

I think I just agreed to write a script for 20-minute drama with Kim. I think we both can work well since we have alot of ideas. I'm not going to act though, I'm going to be someone important that work behind the scene, I was never interested in taking part of acting from the very beginning though. Just see how things going because I may not have enough time to study. As Rachel said, results are much more important so yeah.

Another thing is, I think I will stop learning French and put much more effort in learning Spanish. Half an hour a day is not that bad. I need to revise alot too, I don't want to get panic or what, I want to take things calmly and seriously. For that I restrain myself from going out or do meaningless stuff. I'll be going out just one time during school holiday and that's it.

I need to collect more money as well. I need to collect money from class and the ones who want to buy the Add Math book. Gosh, too many things already.

As for Danish diet, I will do it after SPM! Don't worry my friends, I won't die.

That's all. Till then pekopens.

Dirty, dark, long soul

2010-04-01T01:19:00.000-07:00

I love you, but I don't know if it's true. I hate you and that feeling always last. I treat you as a stranger but I know what are you becoming. You treat me as a stranger but it is as if you could not look at me or be anywhere around me.

It feels good when you can't stand me. It hurts like hell when I can't see you.
Revenge is not so sweet after all. Love is simply a sarcasm.

I Couldn't Reciprocate This

2010-03-25T06:14:00.000-07:00

It just feels like I have been avoiding myself from everyone few weeks ago. I get so tired for trapping into friends' love, trusts, anger and so on. I decided to give up everything and didn't contact anyone. I didn't even greet my close friends. I didn't even stalk their Facebook profiles, blogs etc

I want to tell each of them, what I feel

Amalina

You were once my best friend. On my birthday, I did not expect for you to be one of the last person to wish but it did happen that way. I understand that you are busy and so on, sometimes I just want to tell how I miss you and laugh our good old times

Anati

I know you call me whenever you have problems, even mention that you missed me. It gets really weird when we don't have anything to say although my minds always cramming up with things. You might ask, since when I become so boring right? Sorry, I was being so insensitive. Sorry for avoiding you.

Teha

I do miss the old us. I miss the way I act around you and how we would think all the crazy ideas. It was really difficult avoiding you, due to some problems. You are so secretive and I'm the type of person that doesn't want to disturb you while you're having problem. I sound selfish, am I? Maybe, just maybe someone like me do not deserve to stand close to you because I never been there whenever you need someone.

Mirin

You know how volatile I am, to be frank, you know how exactly I am. You told me everything and I think I've been keeping so much things from you. I can't say more, can I? Bear with me just once, regardless how bitchy I can be towards you. Somewhere inside me, there is a weakness and I need you whenever I hit the bottom line again.

Bel

No matter how annoying you are, you are still one of the person that has influence in my life. My world is unimaginable if you're not in it. I know your temper very well that I never bother to feel guilty. Sorry again, when things get awkward between us.

Everyone, I'm sorry.

Approachable and Dislikable, no?

2010-02-16T08:30:00.000-08:00

I don't like when people simply say that I'm arrogant, unapproachable and harsh for no absolute proof. They don't even greet me or ask how I am. I dislike these kind of people. I may seem like that but you don't know how talkative I can be. You don't know how crazy and fun I am around my close friends. Harsh? You wish, I don't even use curse words in front of people. It's true. I may use alot of profanity in my writing, yes I admit. My writing is the way I burn my negative emotions, you just can't based your opinion about me by reading my work. That is why my writing is so intimidatingly weird and it has double meaning. Sigh.

Another thing is, I'm not good at starting a conversation sometimes. Crazy as I am, I do know the word 'embarrass'. So yeah, there are times I just ask my friends to do it. Uhm, however there are types of people that I really want to keep my distance away from. Usually the harsh and typical minded people, easy to say people that doesn't like me. You see, in school these kind of people look at me as if I did something bad to them. Well maybe I scratch their pathetic pride but heck I don't give a shit. Juniors, especially.

Yeah, yeah. I know some juniors are not fond of me, God knows what the hell are their problems. I'm immune to this kind of thing, I had the worst ever. There are some juniors that really look up to me. Uhm, they're really happy to see me which makes me feel bad about it. I mean, I'm not that excited. LOL. They wave, smile or even compliment my hair, my face or how smart I am to be in 5 Science 1. Yeahhh rightt. They really should see my Add Maths' results. Haha.

Anyway, I just want to make things clear. I am approachable but I have my certain limit. Do go far beyond that. And juniors? It's not easy to be in my place and don't try to live my life. I don't satisfy your bloody expectations and I JUST DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

P/S : Oh the reason you can't read my official blog is because T had set it to private. This is to prevent any simple minded wimps that try to steal my work. Yeah I know my work is not that great but it's still belong to me. So yeah, I may post up my next work soon. Just be patient, alright? (:

Freaking Suckishly HOT

2010-02-15T05:56:00.000-08:00

Do any of you notice of the super irritating hot weather? I can feel heat inside my room while I was reading the whole 600 pages of Malay Novel. It's a bitch and I was melting, literally. Dehydration.

Anyway, I'm just so confused. This year is an important crucial year for me and I haven't make up my mind yet about what I want to do in future. You know, when time passed I've been revealed with more interesting jobs. Like right now, I'm really interested being an ecologist. I mean I don't really care about the salary as long I can feed on my own. I just want to get to do the things that I like and still be able to have fun in life.

From the very start, I realised taking pure science stream is going to be a hard path but I tried to be futuristic, I know the opportunities that I will get if I ace in my SPM. Which means, I really have to work my ass off.

Yeah, I'm going to suck all in and make the best out of myself. Just wait and see (:

Barely Insecured

2010-02-14T08:46:00.000-08:00

Honestly, I'm the type of person that believe in myself. Meaning, I put myself at the very high place and I don't bring myself to perfection level. However, that does not mean I'm selfish. I think being confident of who you really are can save you from many situations. For instance, I hardly get jealous or feel insecure because I always think I'm the good person or better at particular things.

The way I think is greatly different from any other teens of my age. I'm a spontaneous person, yes but if I were in complicated situations, I would think at least 5 solutions just to get out from the misery. In some way, I take pride by calling myself smart rather than intelligent or clever. In study, well that is another story. I'm a slow learner in calculations. In addition, I write pretty well. I just think most of people can't think deeply the way I could. So I'm proud to have a great bizarre mind.

Getting envy over someone else is definitely not me. Not that I never get jealous before, I had, but it's a rare for me. You see, I admit I have alot of flaws but I never blame anyone for my flawed complexion, whether my face, body, skin tone, weight or even height. I'm grateful that I have a chubby face, it makes me look cute. My big butt, perfectly fitted when I'm wearing jeans. My skin tone, shows that I'm of a mixed blood. My height and weight, well pretty good if compare to other unfortunate people.

So yeah, you can say that I'm full of myself but that's not it. It's the way I think. Plus, I'm convinced that I'm different. It's good to be different, no one can actually blame you for doing everything as they don't know whether it's right or wrong.

Diarrhoea

2010-02-03T21:47:00.000-08:00

I didn't go to school today because I have diarrhoea. Since 4 am and I feel really sick. I missed Dr Saro lesson and MCR. Sigh, what a waste. But, I will finish whatever homework which I have postponed for 3 weeks.

February has come and I am still on this thing. Yes, I absolutely aware of this bad habit but I really can't stand watching my dead blog, literally. Sigh. I write less now than I used to, I am getting paranoid. I read less too because I am too busy with homework and myself, obviously. The school has been bugging me with extra curricular activities, it's a MUST, or else I won't get any mark and that would be very devastating for me later (Not now, 'course) Insanely inane and bothersome. Anyway, since I have had put off writing for quite a long time, I am going to write a long post, hopefully. LOL.

Frankly speaking, I think I have no life right now. What a negative thinking, yes? No, I don't think so. My life at this particular moment only revolves around one word and that is, SPM. I keep reminding myself every morning and everytime I pray (I started slowly to pray now) "SPM is coming, you have to study or else you'll die". However, I find it hard to focus in classes lately so I sought help from Miss Anati who is well known for her ultimate focus. This is true, no matter how many times she's been in relationships, she is still ace in her studies. Unlike me, I easily get distracted. It's getting on my nerves.

That's a short brief of what I'm going to write. Here are the things, the big substantial, conspicuous things. The first meeting of BSMM, Health Club and Traditional Games Club. I refused to hold any responsibilities of being the Head, Secretary or Treasurer. I have no time to do all of that. I want to keep simple this year. Another thing is, I don't think I'm joining march of BSMM for Sport day or school, not to mention state. That's too tiring and my body is too weak for any of that. Uh-huh that's true. Oh yeah, it sucks that I didn't join English Society this year. Urgh, I'm really frustrated about that. Not that I can't change or just join in, as I said, I want to keep it low and simple. Gain a new experience is not a bad thing.

Next thing, homework. OMG. That's all. I kept postponing my homework, so yeah, serve me right. As for Sivik group, I have passed my post to Farina. Clearly I can't handle too much stuff, I need to study too. Cross country? I ditched the practice so I didn't get selected. Good thing.

Some people asked me about school mag, what post do I hold, kinda stuff. Okay, Rachel is the Chief Editor. I am the Assistant of Chief Editor and also Chief of Graphic Design/Illustration. Two important posts, this explain and summarize everything what I meant about being tired. This year, we both want to change everything as we can. We crack our brain everyday just to get new au courant ideas and agencies/companies (etc) to sponsor us. We want to get a DSLR as we can't stand the super outdated school camera. Gosh, pathetic really. A Mac programmed computer/laptop, easier to do any work. Photoshop tutorial. Many other things.

In a nutshell, I wish all of these can be settled so that I get to hold a strong grip on my studies and ace my SPM. I am not the type of person who set low standard for myself, I want to achieve higher than what people expected me to get. I believe that I will succeed, it's about how much effort I put to make this comes true.

That's it, gotta go back to Physics book after I download some songs.

PS : I dissected a frog named Kero-chan yesterday. Pn Zubaidah praised me for my delicate operation but Kero-chan had passed away before I could see the myogenic heart. You can see the pictures in my Facebook later. Who says I'm innocent anyway?

PPS : I am not excited about my upcoming birthday. Don't make a big fuss about it, okay?

Hell and Heaven. Pick one.

2010-01-12T05:27:00.000-08:00

Okay, my deepest apology for not updating my current severe situation. I am deteriorating. It's night now and I have stack of homework on my table and i am trying so hard to not close my eyes, my uniform is still downstairs. My goal to be perfect is gone, poof! just like that yo. Anyway, let's move on. I'll tell you what had happened.

Do you know that I'm in Form 5? yes, I am the senior now. Think I'm happy with that? You're wrong. It's not fun to be eldest one, teachers pay alot of attention, or not (HAHA) Kidding. Teachers are quite lenient this year, not on homework 'course. *Sniffed* So yeah, my class is on the new block, which is block F. It takes 8 minutes just to go to the canteen, 5 minutes to the toilet and 7 minutes to labs.

What else? I still sit next to the amiable Sok Qun. My partner for life. I am still super close to Rachel, Farina, Kim and the rest. Oh yeah, not to mention all the subject teachers are just like last year except for Physics, PJK and Add Math.

Physics - Dr Sarojini

PJK - Cik Siah

Add Math - Madame Tan

I love Dr Sarojini except when she asks questions haha. I don't like questions. She teaches well. Summore, she knows my father so I tend to get attacked by her. Geez, that old man(my father la). As for PJK, Cik Siah is always in high spirit, asking us to do weird dance, that's how I see it but she's alright. Add Math? Nice and weird teacher. Madame Tan has a weird accent, it's very amusing. She's crazy man.

Uhm, more huh? Oh I have tuition classes every Tuesday and Friday. Did I mention that the dog is there? Oh yes, it is. The one who gets rabies. I despise its mate too, which spreading old rumours to the whole school while pretending to be such a good 'pet'. Save it bitch, you and your dog are nothing compared to me. Obviously.

The thing about my writing, I'll stop for a while. maybe after SPM I'll continue back and I'll write whenever I get free time, which I won't. I'll talk again to EMBRACE. Apart from that, there is a thing about editorial board in school a.k.a Redaksi. I was short listed for the editor post together along with Rachel and Kim. The thing is, neither of us want the post. Yeah, I know I did mention that I wanted it but somehow I don't think I can manage my time well if I take the post. There are other reasons :

1) I am already a librarian.
2) I can't change my tuition timetable.
3) I am already a AJK Kesihatan Form 5 (The special team)
4) I have alot of homework
5) I am going to join marching for school and if possible, state.
6) I want to be active in English Society, Permainan Rakyat, BSMM, Kebudayaan and PRS.
7) I am the leader of Sivik group
8) I am joining cross country (merentas desa)
9) I have alot of BM novels to read (to improve my writing)
10) I am learning Spanish and French through songs.
11) Director of Drama Club.

Do you see how busy I am? I need to revise F4 syllabuses summore. Gosh.
The most annoying thing is, no matter how many times I say that I'm dying, I will never die. Sigh, not at the moment at least.

Okay, that's it. Will try to update later. Till then.

Need some of this )=

Move Over 2009 (Part 3)

2009-12-31T00:40:00.000-08:00

Few days ago, I asked few of friends of what I should change about myself and all of them said I should change nothing. They just wanted me to become more friendlier and merrier.

Anis sent me Taylor Swift's quote :
"If you're lucky enough to be different from everybody else, don't change"

It's the only thing I keep on reminding myself.

You like music. I worship music. If music can be religion then I'm the religious devotee.

If you busy keeping long hair, then I'm the one with the short spiky hair.

If you're busy applying make up all over your face to hide your flaws then I'd be the one who don't wear make up just to show my flaws.

If you're busy going around just to show how famous and sociable you are, then I'd be the one who infamous for writing a book that would make me famous in another 10 years.

If you're busy with MySpace/Facebook and brag about how cool or hot you are and failing in your academy then I'd be the one who is pathetically ugly and nerdy just to secure my life in the future.

Strangers, whoever you are just GROW UP okay?
I can see through you and you are pathetic.

When I say something, the truth is never a cliche.

Move Over 2009 (Part 2)

2009-12-29T11:01:00.000-08:00

This is Q&A post. For your info, I do collect questions people asked me before. I know I will use it someday and today some of these shocking questions, you might even laugh at my creative answers. Yes, the mean answers I actually did say it. So you know that I'm not naive.

Are you single?
Yes, 'course. I never want a boyfriend.
(A week later, I became someone's girlfriend)

What's your name?
I'm not sure, I have a lot of names but I'm sure I'm what they called Pka.

You said Lyra pronounce as 'Lie-ra', does that mean you're a liar?
Of course, RA means god too. So I'm a God of Lies.

How do you take such a good pictures?
I don't, that's why it's good.

Why are you always alone?
I am never alone, I have walls to talk to.

Who are you talking to?
I thought I answer your thoughts, oh it's too loud? Can you hear me now, dumb brain?!

You have no pimples, do you wear make up? What kind of facial wash you use?
You ask too much, you annoy me.

Can we be best friends?
You are certainly a big dreamer.

You have a cool hair! Where do you cut your hair?
Where do you think?

Do you speak Malay?
Tak, saya tak reti cakap Melayu. Bodohnya soalan ini, lagi bodoh siapa yang tanya.

I saw your pictures when I Google you, are you famous?
Nahh, Google is. Deal.

Do you play music instruments?
If you call plucking with my tone deaf ears 'play', then yeah.

Why do you like Marilyn Manson? You're weird.
No, you're weird.

What is your ambition?
I don't have one, I have too many.

Money or Fame?
When I have money, I'd become famous.

How do you write so well?
This is hard. Well, A4 papers, one mechanical pencil, mp3 and a head.

Who inspire you the most?
Myself. I inspire myself to aspire people.

What do you think of plastic girls?
They should not be used because they can't be recycle.

How stupid can you be?
Like you. Just kidding, or not.

These are some popular questions. I should I have more, but you know I burned my diary.
I will post the part 3 soon.

Move over 2009

2009-12-28T09:45:00.000-08:00

2009 is a great year, yet a painful one. Perhaps, from your point of view my life is somewhat mediocre but what I have felt and what I have been going through, you don't even want to know. Okay, you do want to know.

January
First got into 4 Science 1. Met super awesome classmates that I won't trade with anyone in the world. Busy with homework, yes, the first month. Activities and so on.

February | March
Goofing around with friends. Briefly enjoying life as F4 no matter thousands of times I mentioned how torturous it is with tonnes of homework which I barely did.

April
Shits happened. A whole lot of it.

May
Bliss? You wish.

June
Lost? Pain? Those were nothing to describe my agony.

July
Pacing back and forth. Slowly regained my old self. I threw away everything that belong to him. With the help of classmates and close friends which I had abandoned and being abandoned.

August
The pain won't go away. Life seems empty. I started focus on writing. End of the month, I have indeed found my way.

September
A lot of writing. Prepared for the big exam.

October
I began to question myself and forgave the person. I don't have the right not to forgive but I have the right not to forget. I have sent my last goodbye, maybe the best ever.

November
My family began to trust me. They can see me, finally.

December
I am stronger than anything. I know I am.

Yes this year is so full of drama, pain whatever bullshit, you name it. I won't say I have let go of everything, I haven't but I learn how to forgive and live. I did survive anyway. My eyes used to be blind and now it's wide open. I see people, I see how my life is, I see myself.

Commitmentphobic

2009-12-22T10:20:00.000-08:00

Believe - Staind

Well, I do hope the right person is reading this.

I am happy to tell you that I no longer spill any tears for you.

I am happy that I forgot your scent.

I am happy that I forgot your face.

I am happy I forgot how does it taste.

I am happy that I don't think about you at night anymore.

I am happy that I finally regained back my self-conscious.

I am happy to finally able to like someone else.

I am happy that I get my friends back.

I am happy that everyone is taking my side, not yours.

I am happy that my results are getting better.

I am happy that I pray often these days.

I am happy that my family entrust alot of faith in me.

I am happy that I don't need to share my cats.

I am happy that I tore off the drawing you gave me.

I am happy that I burned my diary that was full of you.

I am happy that I found back my way.

I am happy that I have gone out with a few guys.

I am happy that I can clear my mind.

I am happy that I'm becoming more stronger than you.

I am happy I no longer depends on people when I'm sad.

I am happy that I found music that fits my soul.

I am happy that I left you.

I am happy now, and always be happy.

Because I don't look back anymore.

Because you are not exist in here anymore.

And lastly because I have found purpose in my life (:

Open Minded

2009-12-10T05:11:00.000-08:00

I am someone who is really open just about everything, however of course, I do have limits. People often ask me with these kind of questions ;

How can you stand them?

How can you be so relaxed about it?

How do you do that?

One of good quality that I have is, I have great patience. Small matters do not bug me. I always think first before I say something, I'm a perfectionist but I am not perfect (I make mistakes alot). That's why. Apart from that, I am indeed an optimistic person, especially when I'm going through some crisis. Not all the time though, sometimes I do break down and cry over silly matters but that's normal (I hate being normal) Besides, if I have problems (I always have), I always find a solution. I'm not clever, I'm smart. Those two are different.

How would any of these related of me being such an open minded?
(You would think)

Let me tell you, it's all related. I know your teachers just give you all the answers, but I'm not your teacher so you have to think. When you get the answer, you'll realized every single thing that I've explained is true. You'll realized that I am an open minded person.

The Wedding

2009-12-02T06:09:00.000-08:00

I have no idea why I'm so bothered by it. Their affection succeeds in bringing out my enviousness. I tell you what, I never ever get jealous over this meticulous thing before but just now, watching the video, I feel that I should change my perception about relationships. Everyone deserves to be happy with the ones they love, I'm not sure about myself. As for the couple, congratulations and I hope you guys can stay together for a long time (:

The Speed Of Pain

2009-12-01T05:04:00.000-08:00

Bad climate affects my volatile mood. I ransacked my mind to keep myself from deteriorating. I'm not sick, I just think I am. Not like this thing bugs much but I hardly see my friends these days. Thanks to that mongrel, for he has nothing to do with my life made some bloody rules and people have to oblige the rules. Who the hell does he think he is?

You, you know exactly who you are, or not :

When you want it
It goes away too fast
Times you hate it
It always seems to last
But just remember when you think you're free
The crack inside your fucking heart is me

So-called Best Friends?

2009-11-25T07:31:00.000-08:00

I have one friend that once claimed we're best friends till the end and went off to somewhere. Whenever she gets back, she hardly text or even call me. We used to be so close together but now, it seems that we have to meet for certain activities and only then, we talk about current updates. It seems that we're strangers.

I have one friend since Form 2. He once said that I am important in his life and yet he never bothered to tell me what's happening in his life or mine. When he meets me at school, he just waved, smile and says Hi. Best friend, huh?

I have one friend, she always nags to me about how loathsome her life is and how suffocating it is. She never realized that I have a life too, and I wish she realized that the world does not revolve around her and nothing can suck up to her ego and volatile temper.

I have a friend, by far to be the best that I've ever had. No matter how many things we have in commons, I never understand her. She keeps secrets. It hurts me when she feels the same way as I do and yet never said anything to me.

I have a friend, the one friend that I trust most. He used to be by my side when things turned ugly. Now, when I'm having a pretty handsome life, he just vanished and stop telling me things.

I don't know why, but I feel sad somehow. Sometimes, I wish something more, that one of them could have realized and apologize. The other part of me says that this how life is. You can never really depend on people, not even your so-called best friends. One thing that I can be sure of, it's my absolute love and loyalty to them. Still, I don't know if they deserve any of that.

Friends to strangers. There's no one for us, MM and LG. I'm sorry for being stubborn.

Dance

2009-11-24T00:23:00.000-08:00

It feels real good to dance. Some people thought dancing is stupid and meaningless. Well not for me. I am not a good dancer but I can dance, enough. I do dance everyday. I always download disco songs (not so techno) and practice my steps. I dress up and dance till I sweat like a pig. Dancing can really boost your confidence. I don't mind dancing in public or in front of crowds. Of course I'm nervous at first but once I dance, I forget everything and I just want to dance. No matter what kind of dance, I do chicken dance to belly dance. What happened last night, made me realized, I'm the kind of girl that walks into a party, takes control of the stereo and dances. I love dancing. People, start dancing now!

Having Fun? No way.

2009-11-23T09:02:00.000-08:00

I really really should be studying. Next month I'm going into Perfection back, this time I will only take 3 classes which are Chemistry, Biology and Physics. As for Add Maths, I will ask my friends to teach me. I have to do alot of exercises. Gosh, I'm starting to read Biology after this. No more playing, I'm very worried about SPM. Of course for this holiday, my schedule is packed with alot of things. I will have a lil fun like going out for movies with some friends. I have to do this, before I'm grounding myself next year. I'm waiting for my allowance. This holiday, I will do house chores, studying, dancing, surfing net, reading and writing. I think I will be passive in writing for a while. So people, be considerate and understand my situation.

Gamer Pka

2009-11-22T08:04:00.000-08:00

My idea of a game is Pokemon kind of stuff. Until these days, I've never been able to play excellently. I always lose. I tried to like it but I couldn't. Back then, I aced at card games (because Pokemon, Yu-Gi Oh or Digimon games were popular back then) Now I know nothing. Sometimes I wanted to play Dota, Starcraft, World of Warcraft, The Sims or Quake Arena. I'd like to play Counter Strike. The thing is, when I play a certain game, I easily get bored. Same goes with the archades at themepark. To be frank, I hate going there. The noise, smoke, people, it's just uncomfortable, noisy and disgusting. Even the tokens look dirty.

However, I love relaxing games such as finding stuff, talking or walking around. By the way, do anyone own Keroro games for PSP? If you do, tell me ASAP or where I could get one. Thank you.

First Post For The Fourth Time

2009-11-21T08:44:00.000-08:00

This is my fourth blog (yes I'm so into this) In this blog, I will post about something that require thinking skill because I'm good at writing (and talking) nonsensical stuff. Suffice to say that I will no longer update about my current life because privacy matters to me now (not that I don't care before though)

Recently, I've been really hormonal. Blame myself for being a girl and I couldn't control it yet lashed out my anger and distress to some people. For once, I think I'm becoming more like my mother. I've been thinking (maybe daydreaming) about my future, literally. What am I supposed to do? What should I do? What will I do? Thus, I want to talk about education. I said that I never study seriously this year. I know I had read books, but none of it stuck in my head. I get distracted easily. Even now, I buried my will to study and spend most of my time thinking (yeah right) and watching videos on YouTube.

My rant above leads to second topic, distraction. No, I'm not in any relationship and I'm not interested in anyone. Finally, I found peace within myself. No more voices asking me to find companionship, that is all ridiculous. I have inner self, that is a total opposite of me (the bitch side of me) That 'me' is definitely dangerous and somehow vicious. She's inimitable and scared me to death. She can manipulate me into making the biggest mistake of my life, however manage to lock her and only use her portion of power when I'm in the dire need of hers. No I'm not Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, it's just that I have a good side and I have an evil side. I'm perfectly balanced.

Emotions. I'm happy these days. Surely am. I had let go of the past with the help of some of my good friends and surprisingly I'm becoming more cheerful person. I don't have to fake anymore. I'm happy yet hormonal, that's a good thing.

Lastly, regarding of this new blog, I don't expect everyone to read it. My other blog that I'm still using is only for my writing. I have received a lot of good comments and ignored the negative comments. I hope that I get more followers for that blog, it does feel good when people actually reading your works. I'm grateful for the writing gift and if people are moved with my writing, it's just an honor to do so (no bad meaning actually)

So yeah, I'm conducting two blogs right now and no, I ain't greedy.
Till then.